It’s hard to say where my journey towards motherhood started. I had struggled with fertility issues for many years.  I had gone through countless tests, consumed numerous medicines, and undergone a variety of treatments & procedures all with the hopes of conceiving a child of my own.

My husband and I finally did conceive our miracle baby after several years of trying and felt so much gratitude for the gift of life and felt that all those years of struggles were finally over.

Unsure we would be able to even have another child, we were thrilled when another miracle graced us when we found out we were pregnant 2 years later. I thought that was a sign that all those years of fertility issues were over and felt overjoyed to plan for our next little ones arrival. And then the nightmare…

I noticed some spotting, disbelief was on full force. I considered myself pretty intuitive and felt like the baby was ok, no need to worry.
Just to double check, I went to get an ultrasound and that is when I was told …

no heartbeat

Needless to say I was in complete shock when I realized I had miscarried during my second pregnancy.

The disbelief turned into anger as I had thought all those years of struggles were over. I thought all those years that had been consumed with tears, fears, and disappointments were all part of my past which had been just part of my journey towards motherhood. This loss just did not make any sense. I was sure that the technician had been mistaken and if we could just wait to take more tests then the heart beat would come back. I started doubting myself, feeling like my body and my intuition had failed me. 

Once the shock lessen, I was overcome with grief, and then the guilt. Did I do something to cause this? What could I have done differently? Then the endless loop of why, why, why and the relentless mind-chatter had become overwhelming.  
 
I remember waking up after the procedure and trying to reach for the baby, I turned to the nurse and asked if I could see the baby. She gently told me the baby was gone. I laid there still not believing the nurse.

I felt her so close to me, I could hear her name ringing in my ear. I knew she was near and that gave me a little peace.

Her body may have been gone, her spirit very much near me, loving me, contributing to me and my healing.

I was sent home and the raw grief continued. I remember one day, at the height of my grief, I was wearing a rose quartz bracelet and it completely broke off my wrist, unprovoked. Just shattered right in front of my eyes!! The stones had absorbed as much of the grief it could handle and exploded off my body. 

I returned those stone back to the earth in a flower bed in front of the window that little girl would have called her own. A place I knew I could return to reflect and remember her. 

I was fortunate that I had come across the extraordinarily technique of Access Bars® prior to experiencing my pregnancy loss. Having a session of the Bars® was a gentle and relaxing way for me to find peace, calmness, and a sense of space to dissipate the heaviness of the grief I had been feeling.

I would say – this technique gave me so much space to embrace whatever emotion came up and to still be able to see the light within that dark time. I had peace and clarity about what had occurred and I was able to move through that time with as much possible ease as one could have when trying to understand what had just occurred. Having access to this kind of healing session gave me a navigation tool to move past the shock of this event and allowed me to focus on all that I was grateful for in my life.

Having access to the Bars® didn’t eliminate problems that came my way, what it did instead was give me the space to see with more clarity which allowed me more ease physically, emotionally, and mentally. I am beyond grateful for what Access Bars® has done for my life which still continues to show up in amazing ways beyond what I could have imagined.

I think of that baby often and feel that baby’s presence still around me. That experience allowed me to find a place of celebration for life and I recognize what that baby’s contribution has been for me and my family – a Gift of Gratitude. Amidst all that painful grief, an enormous amount of gratitude for life filled me, for my 2 year old son at the time, my husband, and all the surrounding friends and family that came to my side whether that was physically or energetically.

I knew I was not alone. And neither are you.  

During this process of healing emotionally I also became aware that my intuition was perfectly correct and had not failed me. I had asked if the baby was ok. and I got a Yes. And today I can reflect that response was still true, the baby’s being/spirit/soul was perfect and safe, she just wasn’t meant to be in a physical form this time around.

I am grateful you are here and joining me as we honor and reflect this month to bring awareness during Infant and Pregnancy loss.

May our hearts be filled with ease, compassion, empathy, and gratitude as we allow each other to feel whatever we are feeling.

Contributing energy to you all!! 

If you are looking for more support, Emma’s FootPrints is a local non-for-profit in Valparaiso, IN who support the families experiencing a loss and provides graceful ways to remember your child. 

“There is no footprint so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world”

With Gratitude,
Lauren 

A mother of 2 children and an angel above.
An Access Bars® Facilitator who offers sessions and classes of this healing technique that she passionately loves to share.

For more information please email lauren@empoweringthevillage.com

 

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash